"sing like you think no one's listening"

yesterday i had a moment of realization. i went to visit my aunt in the hospital. (she has bone cancer. she's in the hospital because she hasnt been able to eat or go to the bathroom in days. she has also been having leg pains and the doctors found another tumor in her foot.) i went with my parents to see her and i was completely quiet when i saw her. oh my god, i felt so bad seeing her. they have her on pain killers and she just looked so worn out. everytime i see her she's always in pain. i was looking at her carefully and looking at how thin she has gotten. i couldnt even talk to her because i felt like i was gonna cry. my throat felt so dry. my parents were the ones talking to her.

after a while, the nurse walked in and told us that we would have to leave because they were going to give her some shots and check her out. my dad told me to stay in there with her and translate. i did. but i felt so bad as they gave her her shots and checked out her stomach. her stomach was swollen and she told the nurse that she wanted more painkillers for the pain. after the nurse left, i stayed in there and chatted with her for about 30 minutes. in my mind, i have always stayed postitive and thought about her getting through this, but this is the worst i've ever seen her and it completely scared me. every time she took a sip of water, she would throw up it. she told me her body hurt. she just looked so tired and so different to me in that hospital bed. i felt so horrible being in that room, and thinking about all the dumb things in my life that i complain about, when she has something so worthy of complaint. i tried so hard not to cry in front of her, but as we were talking outside with daughter, noli, i started to get teary. noli ALWAYS makes me cry! she was telling how the doctors are being honest with her and telling her that once cancer patients start having major problems with their organs, they cant really do anything to help them, except for giving them painkillers to DEAL with the pain, not cure it. She was also telling us how its so hard to see her mom in pain EVERY day, and finding something different each week that is wrong with her, and how she hopes she has a peaceful death. just hearing her say the word death made me so sad because i cant picture her dead, especially since she is younger than my mom.

i cried a lot when i got home because i was just thinking about how close her family is with mine. my uncle is my dad's best friend, she is my mom's best friend, and we grew up with her kids. i know i always try to be such a tough bitch, but yesterday i totally let it out. i even started crying on the phone with yesi when she asked about her, and i try soooooo hard not to cry in front of people, but just thinking about how strong my aunt has been this last year and half (exceeding the 6months they gave her to live) totally broke me down last night. i love her so much more now for realizing what an awesome person she is/was. i havent prayed in a long time, but i found myself praying last night and i HOPE she starts getting better, even if it is just a little bit better.